BIG FAT REALITY

2007-08-27T19:43:00.002+08:00

It is not that i want to be paranoid, not that i choose to also, i just cannot help it.
Yea i am weak, i know probably many of you out there have the ability to stop yourself from thinking too much and to keep your cool, but i tried, i guess it is just me.

There are somethings that can change, somethings that can't, i guess i am that, i don't like things to be left hanging, i want it to be done and solved and progresss once and for all. That is what makes me impatient i guess.

i guess everything happened because i cared too much. To me, you are like a light of hope, a shimmering beam of light that appeared after my darkest nightmare. And not knowingly, i guess i have given it too much effort than i should. You can say that i am selfish, i acted paranoid because of my own personal reason - i do not want to be left neglected. I don't want to be self centred, but at some point in time, i need the attention to myself. I am sure i had done things that were selfless too. It was just a wrong reaction, at the wrong time.

Frankly, if you have paid more attention to me, spend a little more effort trying to understand me, i guess i wouldn't even have went to that extent.

i am sorry, i really am sorry, for the uneasiness i caused. i hate myself for that sometimes, like i always screw things up. I hope someone can see my actions and think about the root of the cause. I hope to say that, my intentions were good, at least. It is not as if i am so posessive as to control who you go out with or where to, i was just caring oversensitively.

i am sadden by what happened to myself and all. It was the fear of the past, fear of repeating what happened in the past, that i was focusing of. But i am wrong, i just neglected the most important thing that i should have focus on instead - our future.

i know life is not a game that we can just click "quit", i just hope we can click "proceed".

2007-08-26T08:30:00.000+08:00

what is it last night that made me lose my cool?
i guess i probably missed her so much and i wanted her attention.
Give and don't take, thats a very difficult task to do.

anyway, the feeling sucks totally. Time passes by super slow, and every now and then, i will take a look at my hp, to see if theres any sms from her. Am i obsessed? Am i possessive? Am i too clingy already?

Let me put myself in her her shoes,
if i were to be in celebrations and fun and chalet, i would probably want to enjoy myself as much, without the chore to reply smses. It was me and my bad habit of being impatient.
fuck up.

i am damn worried all that had happen will jeopardise anything.
If it does, i don't really know if im ready for a 2nd blow.
It's so sad, it is as though im forcing myself to cry.

why is everything so complicated? did i complicate it myself?

All i wanted is to have you be there, i happy, you happy can already.

2007-08-19T18:33:00.001+08:00

18 08 07
it was almost as if god has given me a 2nd chance of my life,
to redeem what i have failed, and to give what i have not given.

Everything was seemed so perfect. i love the day, and i love the time spent with you.
and it was the perfect moment when our hands found each other.

i waited patiently for your return and safety. Tiring but worth it,
i want to give you everything i could, and i hope to be a better bf than ever.

i know i may not be as good as any other guy out there,
but i want to be.
i really hope you can give me the chance to be there.

im really confused now.
it is as good as cutting off my parachutes.
i thought my dream had come true, only to realise, it was merely a dream.

what am i supposed to do to win you over again? i feel so insecure about everything now.
how? im afraid i will do anythng that jeopardise our relationship.
im afraid, so afraid.

2007-08-05T14:24:00.000+08:00

Yea~~ my Epiphone Les Paul standard!
Cherry Sunburst with Flame top - classic!

well it is not a fantastic guitar, but it is good enough for now!
and i got it quite cheaply, together with Digitech X series DF7 pedal, leather bag, cables for 690.
quite worth it i guess. It is about 400 dollar lesser than my budget (:

and meowmeow seems to be learning with his tiny paws as well :D

i love my new guitar~
and.. i love driving!

had my first practical lesson last friday with Mr tan, at some ulu tampines heavy vehicle park.
i was taught U-turn, clutch changing, acceleration.. blah blah.
and i think i have a fat and powerful and insensitive right foot. i cannot manage to depress the accelerator minimally. =/
and i always forget to depress clutch pedal when i need to get a full brake.
and mr tan is abit sissy. =/ and he holds(grabs) my hand when teaching me. O.O

Im flying off to Genting with my family this national day. Actually i was kinda looking forward to watch the parade this year, but oh well.. there's repeat and mob tv and mio tv and whatsoever.

This part of my life seemed specially fulfilling materialistically. (except for my N76)
i love it, i always get what i want. i am damn lucky in this sense.

Sigh, but the most important part of my life still stinks like a fart.
i have been getting weird and bad dreams lately, i wonder why, which is totally affecting my mood nowandthen. I have managed to hold off my tears, but i dunno why, the feeling to get into cries and depression kept sinking in. I took a peek at our photos in camp, they are still in my wallet, well kept.

and the dreams i was talking about, i was always the 3rd party, looking at my life with her, my actions, her reactions. it was fucking miserable. i made so many countless mistakes, i really didnt treat her well like how i should and how i promised her. fuckshit me.

i miss her alot alot alot. what am i supposed to do?

2007-07-22T00:58:00.000+08:00

Seriously, why am i keeping an unread blog?
well the answer is simple, this :

It is as though i put a step into the "gate", time capsule, (what ever you call it)
part of me is still stuck in THE era.
Really, my heart is still with you know who.
Life hasnt move on. It is like, meaningless, totally.
no motivation, nothing to look forward to(except ORD).

How do i talk to somebody (important) when,
1) you know who is not on my msn list ( actually i changed email )
2) not even a damn about me
3) i don't meet you know who, so near yet so far
4) i resisting to give any call / sms to her?

well, that is why this place is for i guess, a one way communication plan. and just pray to god at least she visits here like when she is so bloody bored.

i may have lost the relationship/friendship,
may lose the thoughts, the feelings, the touch,
but you are irreplacable in my heart.

2007-07-13T22:16:00.000+08:00

let this 4 months pass,
let me ORD in peace.

Yay, finally, i can start the NTU online study, im back to study!
and i'm taking driving! and SAT! omg, since when have i become so studious? :D

2007-07-09T22:35:00.000+08:00

ah bie finally woke up from her coma yesterday,
i was worried like shit that what if jus anything bad happens.

But im glad she is fine, like she seems.
just curious that im am doubting what i am seeing and hearing.
oh well, maybe i think too much. (:

why think so much?
why bother knowing so much about the truth? , as long as it makes you happy.

2007-07-04T11:55:00.000+08:00

boring boring boring.

i signed up Mathematics for Finance by NTU on ns.sg
Coooolie~ im going back to study~~
the Eprep thingy is pretty useful, eh NSFs out there, you shouldnt waste it! just sign up for some course lah!

Talking about studies,
last night, i came home together with a newly commissioned commando 2LT, on the cab.
so as usual, we share about what we wanna do after ORD, so yea he is going to be a PE teacher and taking up Maths as the 2nd teaching. ( i dunno why PE teachers like maths), and for me,
i couldnt really give him a definate answer, whether am i going to stay in singapore or going to australia. I just told him i would like to settle down with course that is more practical and down-to-earth. Those passsion, and dreams that i have was overwhelmed by the money factor.

Seriously, who wouldn't think about money when we are talking about living in singapore.
2005 - 5%
2007 - 7%
20017 - ??
Do the maths yourself. With expenses rocketing, i don't see why our pays are not. SO! where will the money go to? "Its not Lee kuan me, but Lee kuan -" hahaha =X

anyway, i was telling him how my interest hop from one to another. Like how i was a music fanatic in sec school/jc. Then i wanted to do designing at NTU, after that i wanna do psychcology at NUS, and i decided i want to take up finance in adelaide. hmm, well well.

and we started talking about my unit. and all my frustrations turned into a verbal vomit of complains and accusation and bad mouthing. lol seriously, with the hectic line up of programmes, i am already barely coping, needless to say about entertaining people like them. what bullshit about positive NS experience, blah blah blah. We are merely underpaid educated banglas.
start the "serve the nation" shit, come on.

i pity singapore and singaporeans. How proud can we be, as a nation? first class this and that, best in this and that, But lets boil down to the citizens, what the crap are we?

2007-06-28T20:34:00.000+08:00

Dear xxxxxxx,

How are you?

The truth is that, the more i try to change my life, the more it remains the same.
the more i try to forget and let go, the more i realise you are still the one.

There is so much i've wanted to say to you, and so many places i want to bring you to.
Stupid, am i? i am actually still hoping it can happen one day. I dont understand it either, but i guess, this feeling cannot be explained through logic or words. You are probably laughing it out loud while reading this. Like why is this fat asshole still clinging on me. Ha, i am so foolish lah.

Someone hanged up my phone today, which kinda irritates me. How stupid i was to do that to you last time. Fuck. Is there a better word to describe how regretful i am.

How long has it been? nearing 3 months already huh.

Well, i still believe what you said to me, about the big smile 6 months later, maybe everything now is a blessing in disguise. maybe, maybe, i hope.

Meow meow is doing fine, i am taking care of him everyday, i made sure he doesnt sleep too long nowadays. hehe, he is always crying he wants to see you. that silly cat. i told him you have gone for a long holiday to visit a old man, and he actually believes! haha

I have been thinking about what love is, and how can one measure love, and only to realise that it can be simple and of no limits and frame, and it is because i want to love, partly because of my selfish reasons, that made it look complicated and superficial.

Now that i kinda understood it more significantly, i want to say it again to you that, i really love you. and never once i have stop loving you. I miss you so badly, so so badly.

May any great one up there, bless you with good health and wealth and luck. Please take care of yourself.

Yours faithfully,
kerui.

2007-06-20T07:35:00.000+08:00

okay, lets look at the problem.

1stly : you are a girl.
2ndly: you are only 16.
3rdly: we have a mother that isn't educated.

okay, you are a girl you just have to accept it that you are more "vulnerable" and obviously, parents tend to be more worried. I didnt have problem going out the whole day the whole night when i was 14, because i am a guy. you can say this is sexism or what, but this is the norm for many families out there.

and you are only 16. Even at 18, your dear mummy can call the police to throw you into girls home. and yes, at 16, you are still a kid. Wait for 21. and it is also not a matter about whether you are mature or not.

You should know by now the way she does things. I totally agree that she is brainless a lot of times, but what can you do? Even though you may seemed to be close to her, but do you think you are really close? As a family, we are definitely a group of failures, we dont communicate. and i do not want to push the blame to them as well, if there's anything to change, we change ourselves first, if there's anything to compromise, we should give in first. Ultimately, they have the invulnerability as parents.

Like i told you last night, the issue about freedom is qualitative, not quantitative.
It doesn't really matter if you go out once, twice or none. It is whether you CAN go or NOT.
It doesn't really matter if you go out for 1 hour 2 hour or 3 hour, the point is, you are out.
Freedom is relative, to her, she has already given you alot of freedom. but to you, it is not.
It is up to you how you want to view it. frankly, i have heard cases much worse than yours.
the thing is, because of the 3 reasons above, unless you break away from those restrictions, you just got to work around it. Theoretically, you have your freedom at 21, maybe if you are lucky, at 18?

And if you are talking about trust, first, trust her that she will give you back your freedom someday. Then try to earn some trust from her? like being "guai", do well in studies, and respectful.
And you always lie. It is not as if she doesnt know you are lying, i've told you before.
Will you trust someone that lies?

It is not that i dont want to side you, but you have to be more sensible already.

2007-06-18T12:19:00.000+08:00

it's been a week, and no news heard.
i guess thats it.
question answered.

it has been down and down. and down and down.
i thought what goes down has to come up.
so, when is it coming up?
when will it be full moon again?

this few days seemed to be super depressing.
i have been thinking about her more than ever, i don't know why.
and that weird dream last night, i wondering what has been arranged for me.
de va juu`.

2007-06-16T22:00:00.000+08:00

the pursuit of happiness.
It is like walking a marathon on a stadium track.
there will be no ending point,
you just go back to where you started off.
rounding the track, you get to see the world in three hundred and sixty degrees.
and happiness may just be that instant you view the world in that particular moment.
once you missed it, you are on your way to square one.
and hope to catch it on your next lap.

sometimes, i don't understand the concept of this pursuit.
i am forever looking forward to reaching a goal.
and to think that i will attain happiness once reaching that goal.
never to realise that,
there is probably nothing in the end,
just that big red banner - "starting point"
and i never realise that what will be really making me happy, is actually the process.

and my impatient self, tends to push me to run through the laps,
hoping and hoping to reach out for the happiness that im looking for.
not knowing that the faster i run, the faster i am back at the starting point,
and the more i missed during the process.
i may have run pass so many moments,
that i didnt cherish.
so many moments that could have made my life more meaningful.

and one day, when age and fatigue set in,
i may just fall straight to the ground and die.
a wasted effort on the track.
-the end of marathon.

i kinda knew where this emptiness is coming from.
expectation.
i expect too much from everything.
and i will be disappointed more than anybody

and "relative".
this is the word that i have been hearing.
and not until now, while im typing this,
that i realise even happiness is relative.
i tend to link happiness with superficiality,
and with a high expectation i always have.
that is the killer ulimate combo.
i guess thats what making me feel bad about my life all the time.
maybe sometimes, i am already happy, but i choose not to.
well well, why am i making it more complicated than life already is.

meowmeow, stop missing her, or i will not buy you orh lua. (:

2007-06-13T22:08:00.001+08:00

life will be so tiring if you think too much.
i don't think most people base their decisions on karma.
i don't think most people think about the consequences when their emotions overflood.

we always think about karma and consequences after everything else.
if you're victim, probably talking about karma makes you feel better.
because thats what i felt.
like, "nvm , she will get her karma."
this is probably just consoling myself?

what goes around comes around, and goes back around and comes back around.
so when will this karma thing stop then?
when you stop being selfish and get something changed positive, first changing yourself?
i am really ok to be cursed and voodoodolled,
as long as i am out of the karma vicious cycle, i will be more than happy.

because in the end, who knows what karma will we get? ourselves.

2007-06-12T22:06:00.001+08:00

I was msging Dawn today, and she was like so excited about her bf's POP.
As usual, she was soo similar to her. the things she did and said.
it was as though i went in time. it was so bitterly sweet.

yea Dawn 's so proud of her camouflaged boy, like how "she" used to be proud of me.
i still remember my POP where she came, and was like loooking everywhere for me.
and all of the POP photos she took.
I'm happy for dawn and bryan! and i hope they stay as sweet as ever. (:

2007-06-11T20:58:00.000+08:00

i hate this burning sensation.
i hate kent road.

whenever i take cab i rather spend 20 cents to make a detour just to avoid kent road.

flame?glowing splint.
daydream? nightmare.
sweet? bitter.
salty? and sour.

me? you.
you? me.
so near? so far.
hug? and apart.

u? i.
move on? still
loved. loving
myself? and you.

2007-06-10T22:12:00.000+08:00

i went east coast to see hot bod.
im fuuking jealous!!!

happiness in sadness. says:
LOL.
happiness in sadness. says:
u can be one of them
happiness in sadness. says:
if u conntrol ur diet
happiness in sadness. says:
-.-

bleahh.. even my sister doesnt understand!

anyway, i want to go Aussie is not because i find the Uni there better or what.
it is just that i want a new life,
i am tired of the singaporean life, and i want a breather.
i want to live differently at least, i want to see the world from other perspective.
how do i explain to them?

2007-06-09T23:49:00.000+08:00

happy birthday meowmeow!

you've been in my room for 1 year already.

im sorry you've to spend your birthday with me alone.
because she has gone for a long holiday.

2007-06-09T23:04:00.000+08:00

Why have i met people that has an unique defination for "friends".

Probably, "friends" is a word as useful as an excuse, when it comes to BGR.
Why? Anything that doesn't work out, will end up be friends.
That is what most people will say, isn't it?
So, i can conclude that, any relationship, no matter what.. it doesn't really matter if you get together with someone.. marry someone.. or whatsoever!
because in the end, friends is all that matters.

"Come on, im sick and tired of you, lets be friends instead"

"i don't think we are suited as couples, there's no spark, let's be friends"

"hey pretty lady, let's be friends"

"you've a hot bod, maybe we can go to the hotel to be friends"

im sick of superficiality.

if you know what i mean, yea i'm refering to you.

2007-06-06T20:49:00.000+08:00

Surprisingly, i wasn't really that depressed.
Well maybe because i cried and i had loving frens and families there for me.
i apologise for the nonsense i typed in IRC last night.

i took alook at our pictures. i was so sweet and loving.
usually i will get super emo when i go thru them, but somehow, i no longer feel so.
yes i still miss her and all. ( i mean the her long ago)
but at least my emotions are stable.

She was such a cutie. feel like pinching her cheek everytime i see the pictures. hehe
and her trademark antics, forever so heartwarming and teasing.

i still cannot bring myself to blame her or hate her or anything bad.
i know she's a nice person, probably nice the wrong way.
and probably, our maturity and mentality are just at different levels, which is why both of us could not understand each others' effort.

But i've decided that since she has taken such a dark route,
my kindness ends here.
i will let go of everything. good and bad.
i will just take it as nothing happened, and i do not know such a girl.
its tough, but i have to do it. i do not want Jean to scold me anymore.
i forgive you.

and i guess it's time to forgive myself.
i think i have no regrets, which is why i wasnt that sad after all.
i've done my part.

It takes 8 seconds to have a first impression, a great deal of time to create an everlasting impression, but it will only take 1 second to turn everyting to dust.
Forgive and ( try to ) forget.

2007-06-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

My sis rocks big time.
you definitely have to read what she said on her blog :)

Thanks for being there, everyone (:

2007-06-05T16:58:00.000+08:00

I think i cannot take this move on with life thingy anymore.
the more i think about it, the more it contradicts my principles.
i've told myself that i should face my problems and not run away from it.
no more shortcut.

what is this move on thing about?
carry on with my life?
I am isnt it? not as if i suicided or something.
so can i also assume that move on will mean that,
carry on with life without mentioning the past.
and to "learn from lesson", "put it behind your mind" etc etc
whats the difference from running away then?
i mean, what's the point of deluding yourself, and later to realise you have not really heal.
I agree that we accept what has happened has happened, and do not commit suicide.
and it is not that i have not move on, i have not yet accept what happened.

and there goes another line about "time will heal".
Will time heal? really?
or will through a long period of time of self-brain-washing, that you are now able to put your pain away. and to realise its still painful when it bleeds again.
I think emotional wounds and physical wounds are of much similarity.
It will stop bleeding, wounds will clot, but the scar can never be healed.

WAH TAH FAH.
enough of philosophies and differences.

2007-06-05T07:49:00.000+08:00

This is a hard feeling.

I've been waiting and waiting,

but not even a sms since a month ago.

what is this feeling?

betrayed? cheated? neglected?

It is so hard to resist to let myself down.

The temptation of falling into self pity,

and to love myself more.

Unrequited.

is it?

Can i consider her heartless? ungrateful?

Is a relationship so simple as to i love you you love me?

Why did i think it so complicatedly?

People have been telling me that, this break up wasn't bad after all.

and i myself knew that.

i mean since then, things have changed so much better, like for me and my sis,

and maturity in the field of EQ.

but down to the bottomline, what was the thing that changed my life and made me ever so happy?

She's going overseas, with her boyfriend and teammates.

probably gonna be such a romantic trip or something.

im jealous. im selfish.

i hate myself for why am i not the one going instead.

Unrequited? not magnanimous enough.

Life is full of ups and downs,

i know that.

when will i stop dropping?

2007-06-03T00:23:00.000+08:00

Had a great day.
Went to tennis with Meiqi Janice and jiafeng and barry, anthony, Mr and Mrs Darren, Joshua, wham, hantu, and loo. I am happy not because we had new comers to tennis today, but today was the first time in so many years that i went out with my sis. Significant.

After which, i went home tired, and was thinking about taking a nap before Pat's Party, but i totally forgotten about my sis having sax lessons at home. So i couldnt really slp.
That sax tutor, was like flirting with my sis? ( ok i know this PUN sounds really wrong)
Maybe they can go ahead and flirt, maybe he will fall in love with my sis or someething, den he wont charge the tuition fees.
LOL

There was quite a huge crowd at Pat's place, played winning 11 with josh but like, lost so many matches. lol.
the food wasnt that bad, and Pat is lucky to have a really nice gf.

.

2007-06-01T17:07:00.001+08:00

2007-05-30T21:31:00.000+08:00

fucking emo understand.

typed my sms and untyped.
retyped.
and delete.

what the fuck am i thinking?

i am such a weak noob.
i cant even control my own emotions.
what the fuck!
break up only what!
sad for what!
not as if being sad will change anything!

and its fucking 2 months ago.
what the fuck is wrong with me.

2007-05-27T18:45:00.000+08:00

went to watch pirates with josh, loo, aaron and hantu.
haha actually i wasnt really crazy about the pirates trilogy and i didnt watch the 2nd episode either. but the world's end wasnt that bad.
i like the way they backstab each other and go against agreements, and how the story twist and turn. Oh and i love the way jack sparrow behaves HAHA cooolie. Oh and i love the music..
like i always go.. DENK DNEK DENK DENK DENK DENK DENKD ENDEK! DENK DENK DENK DENK DNEK DENK DENK DENK DENK!
LOL.
The love story isnt bad either. Poor Turner now has to wait for every 10 years to fuck on beach with Elizabeth swan . LOL i think many missed out the VERY VERY last part of the movie.. like after all the credits.. Elizabeth was with her 10 year old son. so apparently, they did it on the beach. lol.

After movie, we went to novena to catch some beer. Josh was drunk from 2 and a half cans of beer. -.-
i had blackcurrent hooch, which tasted like ribena.
i still like the french ice wine i bought the other time.

and im not losing weight as quickly as i wanted.
its like fluctuating, up and down and up and down.
fuck.

2007-05-25T09:16:00.000+08:00

oh my, i got 4 numbers right for TOTO... 20 bucks! ahhh why not 6 million!!
but i was lucky since its my first attempt at TOTO.
i guess i just had the beginners' luck.

magnanimous, i have to be.
to let you go, fly free.
Baby i still miss you so much,
but now you have your own life,
and your new love.
please dont tell me you didnt lie,
because thats what you want.
please dont tell me you are kind,
because you arent.
so i hope you can be more honest with yourself,
and look straight into your own eyes.

once, it is just not enough.

2007-05-23T14:19:00.000+08:00

bhuibhuibhuibhui meow.

pikaboo!
pikaboo.

pikaboo..

2007-05-22T22:04:00.000+08:00

2WO Goh said something terribly true that blew me away.

its like,
i always know that candice and i were very similar in many ways,
and by loving her,
it is like loving another of myself.
which means, i really did love myself more than anything else.

and he also said that,
girls that whines about her own welfare is not the girl for ourselves,
and i thought for a moment,
i really had nth to comment.

2007-05-21T20:37:00.000+08:00

i'm still waiting,
for the day that,
i do not need to hope for nothing.
it is not an easy feeling,
of anticipating smses,
hoping that it is one from you.

131 memories... and i still haven given up 56 of them.

2007-05-20T15:32:00.001+08:00

Looks?
how to slim down as fast as possible?
Pills? lipo?
Can i just poke a hole and squeeze them out?
wtf.

It has never been fair,
and never will it be.

i hate myself.

2007-05-19T05:19:00.000+08:00

why am i like that?
have i not done enough?
have i not try to help myself?

it was like living in a fairy tale dream,
hoping that everything is wonderful,
everyone is perfect,
and a happily ever after ending.

but the story writers make it so flawless that,
we, the people living in reality,
find it hard to resist the temptation to indulge in that dream.
and we die terribly,
when reality is slapped hard across your face,
when you are drowned in your own farfetched dreams.

i need a miracle.
especially a miracle slimming pill.
i think it will solve all my problems.

i Know that candice is the type of person that will not face up with the problems directly,
even if the problem is something thats gotta do with my appearance.
ironically, i think i understood why she is the only one who accepted me for what i am.

i know you are such a bitch sometimes,
but i still love you,
as a person,
no matter what happens.

2007-05-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

what's wrong?
with me?

should i even be interfering with private issues?

as a friend i feel i should be there,
no matter what,
just be there,
respect what i got to hear,
respect the person and decision.

i guess i myself have to accept the fact that everyone's different,
so when it comes to persuading,
i guess i just have to be more tactful and subtle.
is there such thing as a set of rules and principle's guiding my life?
i guess to me,
there isn't.
i do what i feel at that moment of time,

it is like what eric and kim said to me,
what's the point of doing something,
which follows my belief,
but is not making myself happy?
why do i have to bother about what ppl think about me?

how do one define morals and values and whats right whats wrong.
we define it ourselves.
it is through the ladder of inference,
we gather information about the incident,
we understand whats happening,
we add in our own opinion and believes,
and we create an impression.

it is not as if,
everyone's going to add in the same opinion and believes,
so,
what's moral and values about now?

i really think that moral and values,
are created by some person,
who thinks that he is right,
and who has alot of supports that make him look right.
turning his own opinion into a "moral value".

and from there,
everyone who doesnt want to be excluded from the "norm",
will take use his opinion to guide his life.
as for those who disbelieve,
they are taken as the "outcast", the "immorals".

the problem still lies with the social pressure, peer pressure thingy,
if the government now encourages something out of the norm,
will we be still hold on that set of moral values?
or will we just move on,
from "norm" to a new "norm",
BULL SHIT.

2007-05-15T16:58:00.000+08:00

It is damn hard to accept reality,
damn bloody hard,
but i guess i have came to a compromise with myself.

Do anyone out there believe that you can like 2 person at the same time?
i myself believe so,
actually whats wrong with loving 2 person at the same time,
but it is only when, you are the victim,
that you find it hard to accept.

2007-05-08T15:07:00.000+08:00

i guess enough for all the emo-depressed-loserish post.
I've moved on, knowing the true colours.
it had been foolish of me to believe everything told to me,
as though liars dont exist and hypocrite extincted.

last night's guys talk inspired me to want to come up with a project.
i guess from today onwards,
i will do my research about love, relationships and the bio-neuro reasons behind them.
i promise to cover different perspective,
not just from my own.
and hopefully,
it will provide useful info for those seeking answers. (:

to start off,
i searched for "love" @ www.dictionary.com
and to my surprise,
such a simple word actually has about twenty different definitions,
i guess no one really know of a phrase that perfectly fits what love really means.
love is something perceptive and opinionable,
thus i guess no one will be right or wrong.

The simplest definition for love will probably be - an affection for someone.
Presumably, the word holds such a pure, plain meaning.
To love someone is to fond, to like someone.
yup it is that simple!
well but i think the love we know of is not as simple, i mean due to social reasons,
peer pressure, financial pressure, etc etc.
we often confuse ourselves with other feelings or restrictions,
to a point where love is made to look complex.
i want an answer to actually how has love develop into commitment.

....TO BE CONTINUED.

132 memories, and i still have not given up 57 of them.

2007-05-07T20:50:00.000+08:00

may the flower be beautiful,
may the flower by sweet,
it does not serve it's purpose,
if the fruit has no seed.

so what? the fruit is honeyed,
so what? the fruit is bitter
as long as it serves its purpose for its seed,
it doesnt really matter.

life goes on no matter what kinda fruit bears,
it is the seed that needs to be cared.
it is planting my seed,
amphoteric.
not anything from you,
sympathetic.

2007-05-06T08:23:00.000+08:00

i lost 1 kg yesterday! thanks to whole day of tennis! ^^

so many people around me are getting attached,
darren and sarah,
aaron and rina.

in our gang, we left 5 bachelors now,
barry hantu joshua loo and me.
so sad T_T

that spiderman night,
i didnt really enjoy the movie,
i mean firstly the show was too much for digestion,
theres so many storylines cramped into a 2hr+ movie.
not really gd.
and venom is not supposed to die!
anyway,
i got pretty emo watching it.
becos of peter parker and mary jane.
their story just reminds me of her,
and how i have not been there for her.
and aunt may said something like ,
"to do the hardest thing, which is to forgive myself"
i guess thats the answer to why i have not move on,
and why im still feeling bad?
i have not forgiven myself.

132 memories, and i have not given up 57 of them.

2007-05-04T10:12:00.000+08:00

i was complaining,
and making a big fuss out of every little things.
my very bad habit of complaining,
i know about it all along,
but again i did not realise i am always complaining.

i guess i should stop brooding over the things i have done or whatsoever.
i did it willing, and that i shouldnt blame anyone for not returning the favour.
and i should not be expecting a certain reaction from anyone.
i need to learn how to accept how things are,
adapt myself to them, instead of changing them for myself.

i've been comparing someone to somebody.
not knowing that no somebody is someone.
and no one will think exactly the way i think,
i guess i am alone in this world,
everyone is.

there's so many flaws about myself,
there's always something new i realise each day,
it's choking me,
what is the root of all the flaw?
my background education?
my parents teaching?
i am really unsure,
i guess i just have to tackle them one by one.

2007-05-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

Self-centred
self-cen·tered /ˈsɛlfˈsɛntərd
1. concerned solely or chiefly with one's own interests, welfare, etc.; engrossed in self; selfish; egotistical.
2. independent, self-sufficient.
3. centered in oneself or itself.
4. Archaic. fixed; unchanging.

i guess that says it all.

Am i still back to my old egotistical, selfish self?

this time round i really cannot differentiate anymore.

2007-05-02T15:00:00.000+08:00

i seemed to have been blinded by the game of love,
i thought everything was about love and her.
but there was so much to my life,
and i did not notice them at all.

i tried talking to my old friends online last night,
and to find out that,
there was many people out there that cares,
i ask myself,
why didn't i notice their kindness before?

i took friendships too lightly,
too superficially.
i thought all female friends could be developed into a BGR.
i thought i could only talk and get close with female friends.
i thought male friends are all happy-go-lucky, and that i do not need to respect their friendship

now that i have to get over my past,
my friends play the most important part.
it is very touching that,
people that i wasn't talking to in the past, i am talking to them now.
people that i didn't like, i've learnt to appreciate them.
people that was kind to me, are still kind to me, and even more caring.
people that was angry with me, forgave me.
i deeply regret that i did not maintain my relationships with my acquaintances,
and i deserve all that happened.

after all,
everything that happened,
perhaps it was pre-arranged.
i believed in karma,
what goes around comes around.
it may seem all so ugly,
now it is more like blessing in disguise.

2007-05-01T10:35:00.000+08:00

Everytime i hear the "cannot be bothered" voice,
it just disturbs me so much.
one thing is because she used to be so sweet on the phone,
and now she has turned so foul towards me.
the other thing is it irritates me to know that humans can change their face so quickly,
she didnt take into account our a year long relationship, nor the kindness she
once embraced in.
It is not that i cannot accept the fact and reality,
it is hard to accept.

i felt so helpless and hopeless everytime this kinda thing happen,
but now i ask myself, what for?
not as if she will pity me for suffering,
not as if she will come back to me if im still kind to her,
not as if she will appreciate the things i do for her.

It is her life,
she chose to be like that,
she chose to be ignorant to the truth.
and i can only wish her good luck.

for sometime i have been thinking where's the limit to my kindness,
i guess i am already walking along the limit.

It is no one's fault that i am the state i am in.
i brought myself to this,
it is because i chose to be kind to her,
instead of myself.

i was really foolish to believe that she wants to be friends,
i should have just stuck to my decision before,
perhaps i may already be over it now.

Ann told me we are so screwed up.
i think she is right,
i need to stop thinking like a loser,
and get back to my life.

Jean told me something true.
I always think that she is nicest person and all,
and in my life she has been the nicest.
Thats because she was the first.
i may meet a nicer girl soon?

and i guess my sis is quite feddup with me,
everytime emo in front of her.

i guess, i believed wrong again.
but then it was a good journey.

2007-04-29T23:22:00.000+08:00

fuck.

why am i such a moron?

losing a gf, nvm
i cant even keep a friend.
the best part is,
its the same old story of me not knowing my mistakes.

how fuck up can i be?

it really hurts so much to lose so many things together.
gf, money, friend.
what more.
im tired.
really tired.

2007-04-28T19:49:00.000+08:00

yay
i bought my tennis racket!
and im gonna "claim" from my mom! hehe

i bought my digital weighing machine too!
but FISH.
i didnt know im THAT heavy.
time to take drastic action.

i swam 20 laps with jonathan.
it was enjoyable yet tiring.
maybe i should swim more often.

there was this lady.
as big as me.
wore a bright green bikini.
i thought it would be better if i didnt wear goggles so that i dun see anything.
HAHA but fish.
it was eyesore la.
and her boyfriend was so fit la,
6 packs and everything.
i guess its about balancing an equation,
that means im gonna get a skinny wife! HAHA =X

im so bad, laughing at others!
tsk
oh well,
i believe many laugh at me too,
so its fair.

2007-04-28T11:56:00.000+08:00

i go to sleep with you in my thought,
and waking up every morning emo.
no matter what i try to do,
i am running too slowly,
too slowly ,
from the monstrous reality.

As i think about our memories,
bittersweet.
as the feeling of love and hate mix,
there is no longer a fine line that separates.
The more i love, the more i begin to hate.
because everybody expects love to be returned,
disappointment becomes our fate.

As disappointment grows day by day,
the more bitter it taste.
all the kindness i gave to you,
has gone down the drain.
As you move farther away,
hope turns into pain.
All the kindness you gave to me,
has gone down the drain.

We speak the term "pros and cons",
so that we look at pros before cons.
but sometimes cons are just too significant,
that pros drowned,
the moment cons enter.

Selfishness, and thoughtlessness became one big evil creature.
Who inevitably grew in us, and kill us from within.
This is no longer lying on the line of, who's fault is whose,
it is also not about finding fault.
finding fault is like manipulating,
a pro into a con.
but it is a con that is a con.
it is a fact.

As each day passes,
your words ring in my ear,
like an untuned chord,
your stand no longer hold,
as your principles clashes and contradict.

It grows the aversion to myself,
for my naivety,
for what i believed in.
it is the liar and the lies,
that severed the ties.

2007-04-27T18:06:00.000+08:00

why am i always doing things that make myself depress.

i already know there is nothing to expect,
yet i am expecting.

i didn't know i was rebellious against myself.

i am foolish man.

a man that believes too easily,

a man that is too naive,

not knowing the cruel reality.

2007-04-26T19:33:00.000+08:00

If i were to compare,
my life is a game,
like a soccer match.

playing a soccer match without knowing much of the rules.
and there's many referees in my court,
watching for every movement i make,
waiting to catch me for foul play.

and the people around me are the referees.
who award me a yellow card when i do something wrong.

and there are referees who will award a red.

Those who are sincere are those who will give a yellow,
caution me for my mistake,
warning me before giving a red.

Those who doesn't bother much will give a red,
they are not my friends,
someone out to rob me off my esteem,
and thats the end of the game.

just like how i was given a red.

2007-04-26T11:09:00.000+08:00

given a choice,
would you be kind to the person who's kind to you,
or would you be kind to the person whom you care about.

would you love one who loves you,
or love one that you love.

i chose to be kind to all, and love all.

i am superficial when i make that choice.
i think about myself before i think about any other things.
Thus, it is like, my choice could have not been my choice after all.

how to attain a state where i am my thoughts?
where i act my choice in regard to my thoughts?

neglecting the eyes of the world,
the thoughts of people around me,
the feeling of myself.

we go about saying having a mind of our own,
is it true?
or are we simply having a mind,
that thinks with logic,
practicability, and
superficiality.

the world seems so fake because of that,
actions were taken after a series of "purification" and "filtering",
it is no longer a thought anymore.
it is just action.

and everybody is viewed to have a mask,
to cover up our hideous self.
but actually,
we are the mask,
we allowed our thoughts to be processed,
to be edited.

it is the logic taught to us in school,
the pride our parents want us to have,
the superficiality the society forced into us.

the thoughts that we processed,
will be carried out through actions we do,
and through time,
it has been mistaken that, what we do is what we think.
another us have grown,
grown to fit into the story of what we do is what we think.
we now have two self.

when we can accept that we have two self.
a self that thinks the way we want,
and another self to act like a council.
and to acknowledge that we will behave two self simultaneously,
it is what we practised for however long we lived.
we can no longer differentiate which self is which.
and both are indifferent towards each other.

if given the choice again,
i guess, i would only be kind to those we are kind to me,
and love those who love me.
i am selfish on the inside, and i do not want to deny it anymore.

2007-04-25T23:06:00.000+08:00

crying
and crying.

what can i do to stop crying.
crying is useless.
she doesnt pity me when i cry.

what can i do to stop missing her.
she doesnt miss me,
nor do she care whether i miss her.

but i am really that sad.
i miss you so much.

2007-04-25T12:40:00.000+08:00

Chalet was relaxing,
we didnt have activities after activities, but it was fun.
i always love gathering with friends like these.
but ever since i got into a relationship,
i sort of neglect the importance of friends.

We had like superr gd food la.
thanks to me and my idea! haha.
i love the beef patty with cheese.
the teriyaki saba fillet
the gigantic chicken chop!

i went swimming for the first time in years.
it was quite embarrassing to show off my fats around la.
phyoe says im veryvery fat.
fish.
i really need to lose weight.
oh i didnt know i can actually swim quite ok.
maybe i should really pick up swimming afterall.
then i can be triathelic! hahaha

Phyoe and eunice was so lovey dovey everytime.
im so jealous of them la!
actually im very envied for phyoe,
since eunice is soooo socialable and all,
he doesnt need to worry about how to balance friends and gf?
i mean he can go out with them together!
and eunice's family is also nice towards him,
hes damn lucky!

if i were to find a girl again,
i would want her to be as friendly as eunice!
i want to know her friends well,
and i want her to know my friends well too!

Oh dotaing together in chalet is kinda interesting.
i love the citadel game too!
ahh although my pocket was burnt for this chalet,
but im glad everything went well,
it was a break from all the disaster im getting.
Oh noo,
im going back to camp tmr already.FISH.

oh and im trying hard not to use anymore vulgarities.
so, im kray, using fish.
im crayfish.
what the fish?
HAHA

2007-04-23T08:12:00.000+08:00

i had a bad bad dream,
waking up to know the realism of it.
perhaps i have been trapped and blinded in the game of love,
that masked my sight,
sway my decision.
and blurred my principles.

i know the things i am doing now are against my wish.
it hurts me, i hate it.
but why am i doing this?
for the sake of love?
or for the sake of peace?

Both.
i love myself so much that i want the best for myself.
the times spent for the past year has been perhaps the best.
i hate to live a life without it.
i love myself too much.

i have been discovering truth after truth after truth.
but this is the one truth i have yet to accept it myself.
i am the selfish one.
i love her because i love myself.
i love myself that makes me love her.
do i love her?
yes,
not as much as myself.

and the another truth is that.
the same applies to her.
she love herself more than i love myself.
thats it.
that is why i am the one losing out.

It sucks.
i had to try so hard to get by sunday
without thinking about her.
it was alright until she smsed
at first i was bloody happy about it.
i thought we can chat for awhile.
but she end it on her first reply.

it was a "-.-" and " zzzz" moment.
what to do?
my life sucks and just got to bear with it.

what is she trying to do?
she miss me and wants to hear from me? NO,
it wouldnt just end like that.
maybe she just want revenge,
and provoke me in that way.

i dont know since when her temper turns foul.
i guess THATS her,
and the her when she's with me was fake, for sake of love.
i really have trouble talking to her now.
seems like i became the cooler head compared to her.
and surprisingly i am tolerating until now.
If i am the kerui in the past,
i would just have fish it.

i have a new nickname for myself.
instead of CRAYFISH
now its CRAB.

i saw my sisters' blog,
and realise she has alot of pretty female friends,
so i was just jokingly ask her to intro a few friends to deming and i,
haha and i didnt know she was quite serious with it,
are you qii? =x

Ann wants to bring me out,
to church, to know more girls.
maybe i should just go and take alook.

2007-04-22T19:45:00.000+08:00

my mom's birthday tommorrow.
so we went to eat at some "cook-fry" hawker near mustafa.
the food's not that bad!

and it just reminds me of her,
my mom used to ask me to bring her along for meals.
and she ordered her favourite EE mian.
and the background music? "superwoman"

i miss her so much,
so much til its so unbearable.
and we will drive pass her house.
and she used to get down the car and go
"aunty uncle byebye"

where are you?
where are you!
where are you!?

can someone knock me off conscious?
give me a permanent lost of memory.
but yet they are so precious,
what should i do?

2007-04-21T21:50:00.000+08:00

why am i super sad?

i am so weak.
i cant even conquer myself.
to admit i love myself more than anyone else.

soul search to only find a stranger resides within me.
a stranger that gives a nostalgic feeling.
a feeling of resemblance
maybe he's a friend?
a friend of denial.

2007-04-21T07:39:00.000+08:00

I went to kbox with fahmy last night,

and came across the MTV for superwoman by Gary Cao ge.

the show got me super emo,

because i thought, i am looking at my own life movie.

i despite myself.

2007-04-20T10:34:00.000+08:00

i wan to change my blog, i wan it to personalise to my style and all.
and im getting my sister to help!
didnt know shes gd with HTML
haha

2007-04-19T22:11:00.000+08:00

the biggest enemy is myself now.

temper

raising voice

insensitivity

unromantic

LOW EQ.

i should really reflect on myself.
and change
not just for candice,
but for myself,
for the love my parents gave me
for my sister
for my important friends.

determination without tenacity? NO
sincerity.

i will miss you.

2007-04-19T11:10:00.000+08:00

i woke up yesterday in artic,
i woke up today in desert,
and i may not be waking up tmr.

it is the feeling of being locked up in a cold room,
and to be release into a melting desert.

when everything seemed to settle down,
but it is not.
an emotional stir,
turning into an indecisive thought.

crying is the only thing i do,
because only crying works.

at least when i cry,
i feel letout,
i feel there is hope.

am i not strong when i cry?
no, i am strong.
because i cried for a reason.

i cried for the turmoil
i cried for the moment,
i cried for myself.

everything about me seemed to be a mistake.
perhaps the only thing to stop making mistakes,
is to stop myself.

what can i do for my life of blunder?

life is like drawing with a pencil without eraser.
we draw our lives down,
knowing that we cannot change anything to it.
the only way is to draw more and make it look better.

buying the thought of being "better"
comes with a gift of "backfire"

the universal truth of paying something for something else.
nothing is free.

we paid our lives to live in this moment.
we die for a everlasting memory.

it is only when we learn about nothing.
nothing is nothing.
nothing comes together with nothing.

Words to nothing,
thoughts to nothing,
feel to nothing,
and thats when it is nothing.

i want to think nothing,
because i was treated like nothing.
and we wont have to bother about anything else.

and we can stop drawing mistakes onto our paper.

2007-04-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

confused!

im gonna be so sad if its true.

Someone up there, please dont let it be true.... please.

2007-04-18T11:21:00.000+08:00

Wherever you go,
whatever you do,
i will be right here waiting for you.

whatever it takes,
whatever heartbreaks,
i will be right here waiting for you.

2007-04-18T11:04:00.000+08:00

its the little things that you do,
little words that we say,
that brightens up my day.
you're such sweetie pie!

Thankyou for our small talk last night. (:

i am beginning to be more independent,
in terms of taking care of myself,
my welfare, my activities.

i've learnt that being a relationship doesnt mean giving ALL out.
basically it means that while still remain close to our partner,
we still have our own lives to live,
own friends to maintain,
own welfare to take care of.

we have to strike a balance between families, friends , money, career and gf/bf.
Neither one of will really be happy if any one of these are not fulfilled.

Eric has been telling me about being independent
does not neccessarily means that,
we dont need a partner.
he wanted me to know that,
while being together with someone,
we can also be independent on our own.

i think its quite true,
afterall everyone needs that somebody there.

i've been thinking so much,
i guess the way we are now,
is afterall better for us.
no point getting back together,
with our current state of mind,
and sooner or later we are just going to break up again.

i myself have been relying too much on her.
to some extent,
i have already lost a few friends here and there.
i need to get my life back
my fitness back
get Kerui back.

she's having exams and race.
she's sick and tired of me.
she needs a long break to settle down her emotions.

i just hope that,
our feelings for each other remain strong.
and after all these obstacles,
we still know who is the one,
that will be there for ourself.
and hope for a happy ending for both of us.

i miss her so much. ):

2007-04-17T18:20:00.000+08:00

there is a fact that i cant runaway with,
no matter what i do.

talking about running away,
i guess no one can help it.
everyone wants a shortcut,
or else there wont be such a word.

the fact is my feelings for her are still so strong.
i can bluff everyone!
but not myself, that she is still the only soul always lingering in my heart.

i told myself to help her and help myself by stop talking to her.
i will get an answer soon enough if i do that,
but is that what i truely want?
is that what is truely right?

i am a person with perseverance but no tenacity
i really dont know what i should do anymore.

i keep bluffing myself that i am on my way to get over it,
have i?

i told myself to lose weight,
im probably trying self comfort.

i told myself to hold it on, and she will be happy, it doesnt really matter what happens to me,
it does matters!
because i am facing someone that love me/once loved me,
i am not facing anyone else!

the mentality of trying to forget someone you love is bad enough.
having that person to tell u she enjoys not talking to you is worse.

where am i getting at?
what is my goal?
and what is my dream?

is the goal my dream? can i dream of reaching the goal?

my dream is to be with her again.
but probably thats not my goal.
so whats the whole purpose again?

i am moving on a treadmill.
my body moves against my will.
because my body listens to you,
more than having a brain of its own.
i hate myself.

2007-04-16T19:14:00.000+08:00

i was just wondering,

Why did she tell me to leave her alone last night.
and why did she sms me just now to tell me all those.

It is not as if i dont want to reply her. But it took hell lot of conviction to stop myself from doing that. i know she needs the silence, i cannot be selfish in that sense.

what has leaving her alone got anyting to do with what's happening to her in her team?

Is is because she was on a nasty mood, and took me to vent out the anger?

why did she sms me to tell me about all those?

To let herself feel better? to make me feel better?
to seek my attention?

i am confused myself.

But i have came to a, i feel more sensible, answer.

I guess she's quite dependent on me as well. That is why she emphasized that she wants to be independant. She probably took out helllots of courage to break up with me, knowing the consequences and all, and doing all those, just to prove to herself she can do it.

But because of that,
she is now confused with herself as well.
she doesnt know where to start and how to start to be independent.
she wants me to leave her alone to think about it,
but she still doesnt get use to life without me.
So she ask me to be a friend so that i am still in her life, but less significance.
But because i talk to her quite often,
she is affected yet again by the things i do.

and it will go on and on and on, hurting herself further,

Sigh!!

If only she hates me, i think she will forget about me, the easier way.

If only she tries to love another guy, i will just be out of the way.

and the only thing i can do to help her, is to stop talking to her.

it doesnt really matter if im happy or not,
i just want her to be happy.

but... maybe she doesnt even love me or care about me anymore!
ARGHH im stupid.
im just thinking too much.

anyway, i lost 2 kg last week.
it is a gd start but im not sure if its the right start.
but if i continue this way,
i will be 100kg by end of july.

2007-04-16T11:26:00.000+08:00

back in camp,

today, my sis will go be going for SYF.
haha she's soo worried about results and all.
a replica of me 4 years ago,
and thats y i totally understand how she feels.
But after so many years,
i realise that it does not really matters.
I didnt remember that much of band in regards to SYF,
but the other enjoyable times.
Hmm, but i know she has worked for it,
just hope she gets the result she deserves,
all the best for BHSS band.

i did not know what happen to us again last night.
perhaps she was just feddup, and i was there at the wrong time.
no no, it must be my fault.
she told me i always push the blame to her.
i really am not sure if i am doing that.
maybe i shouldnt be pestering her at all.

but after everything,
i am still here to wish her happy with her life and all.
Her happiness is what matters the most,
everything else are of least piority.

i asked myself last night why did i blew my top off again.
i know the answer is that i felt not important.
i felt dispensable, and didnt have my own diginity at all.

but then again, is diginity that important?
I really have a problem balancing what is important to me and what not.
Ann told me to have a mind of my own,
i became too dependent on her.
which is what candice said.

Am i not having a mind of my own?
i am so damn confuse now,
i dont even know how i should be thinking and feeling now.
so what does that mean?
so what am i now?

i guess, what i have to do now,
is to pluck up that discipline and courage of mine.
to stop contacting her.
i think that is what she wants,
and what my sister, my friends want me to do.

That is not what i want to do.
but i am now pressured to do so,
actually i am just listening to what she ask me to do.
fuck, i realise i am damn useless.
am i like a dog or something?

i seriously need to settle down,
and stop thinking about her,
because the fact is that,
i have to live my own life.

i still remember what LTC fred said to me,
about reaching a state of mind,
where i will focus on what i want,
everything else will just be channelled towards my goal.
about the desires humans will have,
and how these desires affect the journey towards our goal.

i think i want to take a study on buddhism,
i want to be a person like he is.

2007-04-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

alright, i read her blog.

its got to do with dragonboat.

If you are reading this candice,
yea i just blew my topped.
it is my fault again.
it is my fault i asked you not to go for your training.

I hope she dont take it to heart whatever happened to her.
i understand how she feels becos i am a high ego person as well.
Sometimes, we just have to pluck up the courage to see that,
there are higher mountains out there.
there can only be 1 mount everest

i understand how hard it is to not be recognised after putting so much hard work.
everyone needs to be appreciated, to be understood, to be recognised.

THERE ARE people out there that will recognised you for what you did,
but it is time to look around and see if YOU recognise them.

it is a harsh reality. i become 2nd best in sec school too. Band major instead of drum major.
it is tough if we think about it,
but i think its all our ego at work

im quite sure a band major has his own job that a drum major doesnt do too

i really hope she can open up your mind,
everything will be fine..

2007-04-15T00:06:00.000+08:00

Frankly,
for the whole of today,
i was waiting for my dream to come true.

i was foolish i was naive.

Its 12am now,
Kerui, WAKE UP

It will never come true.

I guess the thing in my bag will go into the chute as well.

My sis asked whether she came today,
that question asked was so coincidental.
maybe someone up there is reminding me to wake up as well.

Up til now, nothing has affected the feelings i have for her. While buying the nano for my sis,
i was still wondering if i should buy that nice casing, for the nano i gave her.
i saw a nice phone, but thinking i should leave my phone with her so that she can trade in for a new phone herself.

Why am i so generous?

i am NOT!

i never treated my sis well until now.
i never love my parents as much as i should
i never cherish the friends that i have
i never love myself for who i am
i was never generous to anyone.

Am i hoping that by being generous, money wise, to her... things will change?
i am not trying to insult her as though she is that materialistic.
but, i think i just want to feel appreciated, especially by her.

is that something wrong to do? to want to be appreciated?

i am working so hard in army, i think it is because i want to be appreciated as well.

I think the pride that i have is in me.
i am hungry for credit.
i am hungry for showmanship.

But i dont like it. i am not doing things out of sincerity and truth.
i really dont know how i should be feeling now,
am i sincere in the first place? am i truthful??

may someone guide me please?

i asked her out on today (140407) days ago.
she told me she had to study and all.
but she went to collect her passport and went out with her friends instead.

It is not that i dont want to trust her and believe in her.

But the feeling sucks. totally!
a mixture of jealousy, disappointment, hopelessness and frustration.
How do we call it?
jeasappointrationess.

i am so useless!

2007-04-14T22:39:00.000+08:00

OUCCHHHHHHhhhhh~~~

i just spent 250 bucks.
on a 2GB ipod nano + accessories.
i LOVE the italy silicon case!!! so cute!

But im not buying for myself,
its for my sis.
saw that ipod nano on her wish list,
and thought maybe after so many years never give her present,
i should get her one.
It's alot of money spent, but to be able to put a smile on someone you care,
its all worth it.

2007-04-14T11:45:00.000+08:00

today's supposed to be a special day.
and im kinda feeling specially hard to get by time.

i have something for her in my bag,
i dunno whether i should give it to her.
im indecisive.

i had a stupid dream that she came to my window and drop me a present.
well it is sweet la, at that point in time.
but horribly disturbing when i think about it now.

barry said there's no programme today = BORED
i feel like going clubbing to dance my mind off again.
but i have been spending alot of money already.
just went drinking with my army frens last nite.
MA BOH!

yea i met this guy there,
he was telling me how he fought with his wife and got divorced and stuff.
i got emotionally,
and i told him about what happened too.
and he advised me to just move on with life.
from the examples,
i realised that most guys face the same problem with girls.
communication.
he lost his first gf after a 7 years relationship.
the girl just told him that her feelings faded and all.
i mean, how can she just say that?
THATS the problem.
we guys, use logic to think.
girls use feelings to react.
different frequency, different channel = no communication
men are from mars and women are from venus.

Had a chat with my sis that night.
i was talking to her about band and music and studies and life and etc.
well, i had the chance to understand her and i realise that
we are so similar.
and she's kinda trailing behind my foot steps
which i dont want her to.

i learnt many things the hard way when i was younger, like 13 - 17.
i lost friends, i lost trust, i lost myself.
It was really a rollercoaster ride then.
i hope by telling her the experience,
she can at least avoid my mistakes.
But then again, knowing her, she probably wont truely understand where i came about.
after all she's only 15.
well well well....

wo hui xuan zhe fang qi ni, shi ying wei wo tai ai ni..

2007-04-12T20:15:00.000+08:00

i'm being emo today again.

i have a very bad habit.

i like to indulge in self pity.

Is it because there's no one there to pity me?
or is it because i dont deserve it in the first place.
maybe it is unneccessary.
maybe it is just a way to show i care for myself.

That is me. the culprit that has been inside all along.

i Believe that there are alot of people out there, like me.
that has kept another self inside.
It is whether you choose to let it take over you.
or to overpower it.
face the fact that it exist..
and learn to accept it.
and when you manage to conquer over it.
It becomes you.
and others will accept that that is who you are.

you have to have the courage.
you cannot be honest unless you are honest with yourself.
ask yourself...
Why is it that i am thinking that way?
why am i feeling so?
why do i do that?

Is your answer an answer?

or is it just an excuse?

No one will know "the answer"
only you.

i didnt know that i could do it.
because, for so long,
i have been a person that is overwhelmed by

1)pride
i did not want to say out the truth,
hiding it
manipulating it

2)ego
i did not want to lose.
i will be the best
i will be the friendliest
i will be the most humourous
i will be the most generous
i will be the nicest
i will be the leader

3)loneliness
the more friends the merrier
wanting people to visit me
acting depress.

am i really that nice? am i really that honest? am i really that funny? am i a leader within my friends? am i? am i?

NO. FUCKING SHIT!
I WAS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO ALL THAT
BECAUSE I WAS SOMEONE I WASNT
BECAUSE I RAN AWAY

My true friends out there reading this, this is true.. right?

it doesn't take long for people to notice who you really are.
it is up to them whether they want to accept you for your pros
or reject you for your cons.
It is a big fat reality that i did not believe, or i chose not to believe
but i am sick of it
i am sick of lying to myself.
i am sick of being delusional

so back to the question.

am i really emo today?
or was i just asking for attention,
waiting for someone to come worrying,
"kerui are you alright? poor thing."

why am i writing all this here,
for everyone to see?
am i waiting for someone to come,
and tell me
kerui you've matured.

oh fuck.

kerui you really are a poor thing.
Dont be deluded anymore.
wake up my fucking idea!

2007-04-11T21:31:00.000+08:00

smirks~

after asking my sis to delete my blog, i feel weird!
bleahh

roarr, just to update anyone, she and i are kinda over, in the sense she really doesnt need me anymore. 1001 reasons!, but whatever! over means over, nothing to be brooding over with. i want to be partially selfish, in this partially fake truth.

TRUTH HERE TRUTH THERE.
FUCK. SO WHAT IF ITS THE TRUTH.
WHAT CAN IT DO?
NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THE TRUTH
ONLY THEMSELVES.

I read my sis' blog. i didn't know i've always an understanding sis that's there.
well, it was a 8 years silence.
we broke it.
happy ending.
and its never too late to be a good brother.

i always wanted a little sister that i can care about and dote.
but i didnt have the courage to do so when i was younger.
perhaps the coldness, and prolongged silence
but it doesnt really matter now,
we have lots to catch up with each other.
i love you qi.

Oh Jocelyn Yeo the swimmer's brother is a storeman doing reservist @ my centre now.But he's also damn fit la, and hunky! any girls want to know him? hahaa im gonna ask him to train me and i will be as fit as him!! ROARRRR then all the girls will queue up from jurong to orchard road for my number. =X

Hmm, PM Lee is donating his pay increment for 5 years. That is quite a move because it not only show his sincerity for the need of civil servant's pay increment. hmm but there's still many who think otherwise. SHALL NOT COMMENT TOO MUCH ON POLITICS ONLINE. ESPECIALLY WHEN IM A SINGAPOREAN LOL